Saturday Satire

From The Times

Mr Corbyn Lost Because The Mainstream Electorate Was Biased Against Him! It is disgraceful and frankly disgusting that once again Jeremy Corbyn has fallen victim to the outrageous bias of the voting public. It is only right that there is now a debate about how to nationalise the electorate to ensure it works for the many people in the Jeremy4PM WhatsApp group and not the few who voted Conservative.

What the Mainstream Electorate fail to realise is that the policies in the Labour manifesto were all extremely popular, from free Caesar salads to compensation for wasp stings. It is only the biased Tories who voted for the Tories that have stopped him from entering Downing Street and delivering on the wishes of ordinary people like Seumas and Ken and Vladimir.

Squinting through his special glasses

which means he can turn a blind eye to antisemitism but not to someone voting Lib Dem, Corbyn boasted yesterday “We put forward a manifesto of hope.” He is oblivious to the implication that if the policies were so good there must have been something (or someone) else that was so sick-makingly off-putting that people decided not to vote Labour.

As Corbyn said in his not-resignation speech, the media intrusion into the lives of people who want to run the country is outrageous, asking highly personal questions like “What’s your jam recipe?”, “How did you not realise that mural was anti-Jewish?” and “Why haven’t you resigned yet?”.

Magic Grandpa seemed so nice. With his ill-fitting suits and carrier bags of photocopied leaflets and “would you like to see my holiday snaps from Venezuela?” But underneath it all he turned out to be short-tempered, intolerant, nasty. Like the bell-bottomed kids in Scooby Doo, the electorate finally pulled off his preposterous rubber mask to reveal the baddie inside. He’d have got away with it if it weren’t for those pesky voters.

This is a man who apparently had stronger views on manhole covers and Diane Abbott than on the central question facing the country today, Brexit. Team Corbyn noted that the country was polarised on Brexit and then opted to sit smack in the middle. It turns out that if you tell everyone to “bugger off and join the Tories” they will.

He was so bad he lost to a man who showed that the only thing he wouldn’t have a relationship with was the truth; who thought not chasing away a nurse like Benny Hill counted as a net gain for NHS staffing figures; and faced with the terrifying prospect of answering questions on breakfast telly, hid in a fridge. Corbyn is now demanding a “Process of Reflection”, which sounds like a self-help book with a picture of a dreamcatcher on the front.

He wasn’t even sorry about Labour being investigated for institutional racism so why would he be sorry about something so trivial as leading the party to its worst defeat since 1935, the year that Hachiko, the Japanese dog, died on the spot where he had waited for his dead owner for nine years. The Labour Party could yet be the same: we can sit and hope for proper Labour to return, and in the end die waiting.

“Can I finish?” Grumpy Grandpa used to snap at interviewers. “Can I finish?”

Well yes, you can now. You are well and truly finished.

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